At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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