I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
