My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
