my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
