Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
