At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
