Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize