My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
