mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
