Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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