The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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