I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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