Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
