My first STD was from a foam party
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
