Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
