I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
