Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize