do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
