Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
