Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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