He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
