i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, beer. Big fan.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
