My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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