I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
