Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
