Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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