We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize