I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
