I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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