you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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