so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
