He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
