He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize