Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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