i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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