SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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