He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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