I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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