can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
