You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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