what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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