I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
