you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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