I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
