I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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