Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
