Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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