I'm eating all of the evidence.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
