She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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