What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
