our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize