Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize