I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
