I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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